Connor's Courting Chicks Curse

Guess what's back? Back again. Fahs' blogs. Better than Devlin's. So this year, I'll spend some time blogging with the seniors, juniors, and sophomores. Since the sophomores are going to dominate the class games at homecoming this year, I'm going to be blogging with them first and telling you about my favorite rural legend (Urban legends? We ain't from the city round here, like that city-slicker Hudson). Now, onto the Curse of Connor Courting Chicks. It is the saddest rural legend in history. It all started way back when Connor Althaus was in 7th grade. He promised his dear friends Kadin, Carson, Trent, Jacob Kear, and Jackson to be in their group for their field trip to Wildlife Prairie Park with the wicked awesome Mr. Fahs, but at the last second he backed out to join a group of all girls in order to attempt to court (flirt with) them. It seemed like a great idea to Connor at the time, but he unfortunately didn't realize the years of struggles it would create for him in the future. Connor was forever cursed to miss out on all the fun times his friends would have. First of all, on the day of that field trip, Connor missed out on plans for Mr. Fahs taking his friends to lunch after they graduate; Connor will miss out on this adventure which is sure to be a Hoot! Then in 8th grade, the curse caused Connor to complain about DJ Fahs' sick beats at the dance, so DJ Fahs' bouncers removed Connor from the dance and he missed out on the wildest party to ever hit the LWHS cafeteria. Also in 8th grade, Connor missed a sick jam session on the way to the movies with a random stranger singing some Zac Brown Band. But it didn't get really bad until Connor was in high school. He missed Trent's block at Deland-Weldon that literally caused a 4.2 earthquake on the Richter Scale (Connor felt it at home). Connor then missed the time we all went to see Jackson play football and literally puke in the middle of the game on the field. He missed the open gym when Carson invented the play 25 BOL, caught a lob from Whitey, and dunked on 5 people at the same time. He even missed Whitey's first kiss, with Carson, Trent, and Jacob in the background cheering him on! It is scary to think that the Curse of Connor Courting Chicks could be passed on, but I've been able to be like T-Swift and shake it off since I'm usually a part of the fun times Connor misses. Hopefully Connor is able to shake off this terrible curse and pass it on to someone from Midland or Roanoke.

Jake Rebman Did It

Well, first of all, let's clear one thing up. This was no accident...Jacob Elliot Rebman tried to murder me. That "rampaging chicken?" That was just Jake and his beanstalk chasing after me. After guarding 7 foot centers all year, Jake became extremely swole and was able to throw couches at me with one hand and bananas at me with the other. Thank God Evan Johnson was nearby with his Mario Kart skills and extensive Friends knowledge. He was able to deflect all of the bananas and banana peels back at Jake, and he was able to PIVOT enough to catch the couch as it flew at me. The couch hit me hard enough to knock me out, but thankfully it didn't kill me. Now, on to my panel of experts who Evan immediately called to my aid. They all arrived in 3.14 seconds, and one of them began by introducing himself and the rest of the panel. He said, "Mr. Fahs, my name is Jacob 'Barney Stinson' Hausmann, and I am the president and Playbook expert of your Amnesia Recovery Panel, co-captain of your high school basketball team, Senior #3, and not the Jacob who tried to kill you. Let me introduce you to the rest of your recovery panel." Hausmann then proceeded to introduce four more strangers to me: "First, this is Mr. Bryce Welsh, your inappropriate joke expert," he said as I shook hands with the ugliest dude I had ever seen who had an obnoxious grin on his face. "Next, this is Ms. Madison 'Bow an' Darrow, your sports expert," said Hausmann as I said hello to the most Fahsitive person I had ever met. Then Hausmann said, "This is Dr. Jason Henry, your world catastrophe preparedness expert," as I saluted someone who looked as if they'd be the best U.S. president ever. "Finally, this is Ms. Taylor Hofstatter, your math & science expert," Hausmann said as I saw Ms. Hofstatter's face light up with excitement just at the mention of math & science. I told the panel how thankful I was for them, and asked them to explain who the Fahs I was. Hausmann started by telling me I was the most studly man to ever walk the face of Earth and that I had written him a "playbook" of ways to get dates with the most amazing women in the universe. He said my go to "play" was to simply ask a woman, "How you doin'?!" Next, Mr. Welsh told me I taught math and science to roughly 60 teenagers who think about nothing but inappropriate jokes and references 24/7. He then proceeded take only 5 minutes to explain the top 1,234,567,890 inappropriate jokes my students were likely to make. I couldn't decide if I was embarrassed, ashamed, or shocked at his extensive knowledge of this topic. As he finished, a Darrow hit him in the head and killed him, and I heard Ms. Darrow say, "Alright, punk, I have a hard-knock life I need to get back to, and I can't wait any longer for my turn." She told me my sports life was simple. "Even though you've retired from playing sports to coach, you're the most athletic person in every sport you choose to compete in," she said. She then told me all about how I rain down 3's all day over Evan Johnson, outrun Jessica Garber while running backwards, hit softballs farther than Ashli McMurtrey while both batting left-handed, and truck Evan Grice's attempted tackles like I'm playing Madden. I didn't really know what any of this meant, but it sounded like I was more athletic than anyone except Madison Darrow herself. Next, Dr. Jason Henry, explained to me how I had strategically planned to live to the age of 1,000. He explained in crazy detail about how he had designed 9,876,543,210 fully-stocked and 100% protected nuclear war bunkers around the world. They were protected from a range of disasters, from Sydney Heston not laughing at a science pun, to Timothy becoming a world leader and bombing the entire world. It was amazing and really made me feel a lot better about the dangerous world I had awoken in. Finally, Taylor explained that since I taught math and science, I loved both subjects ALMOST as much as she did. Then she told me her 1,000,000 favorite math and science jokes, which I could barely understand since she was laughing so hard at herself the entire time. Mr. Hausmann thanked me for my time, wished me good luck, and said, "Oh yeah, one last thing. Someday you'll meet a fella named Rylan Warnkes. He's lame, only senior #4, and you should NEVER play rock-paper-scissors with him!" We all lived happily ever after, except Bryce obviously, since he was dead.

Week 17 - A Whole New World

Wait, so does this blog mean I volunteered my body while I was still alive? Is this because of the potential of a nuclear world war starting on January 20 and we're trying to preserve the human race? I'm just confused because I didn't think even Taylor Hofstatter, who loves science more than ANYONE, would just volunteer their body to science for fun. Anyway, for whatever reason I did it, my body was preserved and I woke up 1,000 years from now. The craziest part of the future, as I soon discover, is how many of this year's juniors are still alive! It's a good thing we did that zombie apocalypse survival unit when I had them as 8th graders! So, I woke up in the cryogenics department of my classroom (the mysterious maroon contraption in the corner by my desk), feeling more rested than I had since I was in kindergarten. I climbed out to see the smiling face of Dr. Jason Henry. He informed me that the world had been decimated for hundreds of years by a zombie virus released by the evil Timothy Lundell, but my original 8th grade class had nearly all survived thanks to Jason's quick distribution of his world famous book: "Double Tap: How To Survive Whatever Killer Virus Timothy Will Unleash in the Future." The only one to die from that class was Timothy himself, who was heroically assassinated by Madison's long range bow an Darrow from 50 miles away. I asked Jason who the current president was, and Jason laughed and told me Evan Johnson had taken over not just as president, but as king of the whole world. Jason snapped his fingers & a newspaper article came up on a hologram right in front of me, with the headline: "MIRACLE: After 1 day, new King of the World has entire human race treating each other nicely and with basic human decency!" Jason then informed me that King Johnson was expecting a phone call from me as soon as I woke up. He told me I had a cell phone chip installed in my ear & I just had to think "call Evan Johnson" to communicate with him. So, I called Evan, and he informed me he wanted me to be the new lead adviser in his next 100 year term as King. I of course had to accept this offer, and Evan told me he had paid Dr. Henry to actually turn me into the Wizard of Fahs, so I could apparate to his secret castle immediately. As soon as I arrived at what looked mysteriously like Bowser's castle from Super Mario and opened the door, I was greeted with a loud "Suprise!!!" On the wall hung a banner that read "Welcome, Wizard of Fahs, New Lead Adviser to King Johnson," and all of my favorite original 8th graders were there (except Timothy of course). I greeted them all happily and was excited to hear what had been happening in their lives for the past 1,000 years. Evan had 2 princesses, Princesses Rebman and Cook, helping him run the world. Princess Rebman informed me she still wouldn't be friends with me, and Princess Cook informed me she had 1,000 years worth of delicious DQ blizzards waiting in the freezer for me. Evan Grice was the secretary of Education, and he taught his famous curriculum, "Advice with Grice," to students of all ages that needed help with pickup lines for that special someone. Finally, Becca was at the party, but in a jail in the corner. King Johnson had locked her up 999 years ago for vicious comments and slander against Mr. Fahs and his fashion choices. Thank you King Johnson for making the world actually great again.