Jake Rebman Did It

Well, first of all, let's clear one thing up. This was no accident...Jacob Elliot Rebman tried to murder me. That "rampaging chicken?" That was just Jake and his beanstalk chasing after me. After guarding 7 foot centers all year, Jake became extremely swole and was able to throw couches at me with one hand and bananas at me with the other. Thank God Evan Johnson was nearby with his Mario Kart skills and extensive Friends knowledge. He was able to deflect all of the bananas and banana peels back at Jake, and he was able to PIVOT enough to catch the couch as it flew at me. The couch hit me hard enough to knock me out, but thankfully it didn't kill me. Now, on to my panel of experts who Evan immediately called to my aid. They all arrived in 3.14 seconds, and one of them began by introducing himself and the rest of the panel. He said, "Mr. Fahs, my name is Jacob 'Barney Stinson' Hausmann, and I am the president and Playbook expert of your Amnesia Recovery Panel, co-captain of your high school basketball team, Senior #3, and not the Jacob who tried to kill you. Let me introduce you to the rest of your recovery panel." Hausmann then proceeded to introduce four more strangers to me: "First, this is Mr. Bryce Welsh, your inappropriate joke expert," he said as I shook hands with the ugliest dude I had ever seen who had an obnoxious grin on his face. "Next, this is Ms. Madison 'Bow an' Darrow, your sports expert," said Hausmann as I said hello to the most Fahsitive person I had ever met. Then Hausmann said, "This is Dr. Jason Henry, your world catastrophe preparedness expert," as I saluted someone who looked as if they'd be the best U.S. president ever. "Finally, this is Ms. Taylor Hofstatter, your math & science expert," Hausmann said as I saw Ms. Hofstatter's face light up with excitement just at the mention of math & science. I told the panel how thankful I was for them, and asked them to explain who the Fahs I was. Hausmann started by telling me I was the most studly man to ever walk the face of Earth and that I had written him a "playbook" of ways to get dates with the most amazing women in the universe. He said my go to "play" was to simply ask a woman, "How you doin'?!" Next, Mr. Welsh told me I taught math and science to roughly 60 teenagers who think about nothing but inappropriate jokes and references 24/7. He then proceeded take only 5 minutes to explain the top 1,234,567,890 inappropriate jokes my students were likely to make. I couldn't decide if I was embarrassed, ashamed, or shocked at his extensive knowledge of this topic. As he finished, a Darrow hit him in the head and killed him, and I heard Ms. Darrow say, "Alright, punk, I have a hard-knock life I need to get back to, and I can't wait any longer for my turn." She told me my sports life was simple. "Even though you've retired from playing sports to coach, you're the most athletic person in every sport you choose to compete in," she said. She then told me all about how I rain down 3's all day over Evan Johnson, outrun Jessica Garber while running backwards, hit softballs farther than Ashli McMurtrey while both batting left-handed, and truck Evan Grice's attempted tackles like I'm playing Madden. I didn't really know what any of this meant, but it sounded like I was more athletic than anyone except Madison Darrow herself. Next, Dr. Jason Henry, explained to me how I had strategically planned to live to the age of 1,000. He explained in crazy detail about how he had designed 9,876,543,210 fully-stocked and 100% protected nuclear war bunkers around the world. They were protected from a range of disasters, from Sydney Heston not laughing at a science pun, to Timothy becoming a world leader and bombing the entire world. It was amazing and really made me feel a lot better about the dangerous world I had awoken in. Finally, Taylor explained that since I taught math and science, I loved both subjects ALMOST as much as she did. Then she told me her 1,000,000 favorite math and science jokes, which I could barely understand since she was laughing so hard at herself the entire time. Mr. Hausmann thanked me for my time, wished me good luck, and said, "Oh yeah, one last thing. Someday you'll meet a fella named Rylan Warnkes. He's lame, only senior #4, and you should NEVER play rock-paper-scissors with him!" We all lived happily ever after, except Bryce obviously, since he was dead.