I Miss Jacyle Clanman!

Well, after a few requests and someone finally giving me a blog prompt they wanted me to write about, I decided to blog again. I actually did find the book from the seniors' week 6 prompt, so this is not an "imagine" situation, but it's real life, in the real world. We ain't talkin to no models we got real girls. That was for you Jake and Kyle. The first question I found the answer to was what will become of my little baby 7th graders from 2013-14 in their futures?! Here's what I found out. Colton Shawback will be spending the rest of his life sittin and sellin turnips on a flatbed truck. But one day the beautiful love of his life will walk up and find him and ask for good directions and they'll live happily ever after. Heston will become president of NASA because of her deep love for science, and she will find a way to let people live on Mars. Jake-up will be the first one to volunteer to live on Mars, as he will get bored with Earth and Matt Damon is his hero. Naturally, Kyle will go with him, and they will be make the movie Stepbrothers 2 on Mars. Paige will go to college, major in science (all of them), and marry Aaron Thierer after they fell in love orbiting each other in physical science class. Finally, Teagan will finally graduate in 2018-2019 at the age of 100 and need a cane to get up the stairs at graduation. It'll be like Billy Madison, but I guess Teagie Madison? Everyone in the class will go on to live happy, healthy lives, and I'm glad I read this part of the book because I miss them so terribly! P.S. I read the section about Braden Mark's future, and he will be forced to guest lecture for Mr. Fahs' 7th grade science class every year when he teaches about albinism, since he couldn't give me a prompt to right about and Sydney had to instead!

Connor's Courting Chicks Curse

Guess what's back? Back again. Fahs' blogs. Better than Devlin's. So this year, I'll spend some time blogging with the seniors, juniors, and sophomores. Since the sophomores are going to dominate the class games at homecoming this year, I'm going to be blogging with them first and telling you about my favorite rural legend (Urban legends? We ain't from the city round here, like that city-slicker Hudson). Now, onto the Curse of Connor Courting Chicks. It is the saddest rural legend in history. It all started way back when Connor Althaus was in 7th grade. He promised his dear friends Kadin, Carson, Trent, Jacob Kear, and Jackson to be in their group for their field trip to Wildlife Prairie Park with the wicked awesome Mr. Fahs, but at the last second he backed out to join a group of all girls in order to attempt to court (flirt with) them. It seemed like a great idea to Connor at the time, but he unfortunately didn't realize the years of struggles it would create for him in the future. Connor was forever cursed to miss out on all the fun times his friends would have. First of all, on the day of that field trip, Connor missed out on plans for Mr. Fahs taking his friends to lunch after they graduate; Connor will miss out on this adventure which is sure to be a Hoot! Then in 8th grade, the curse caused Connor to complain about DJ Fahs' sick beats at the dance, so DJ Fahs' bouncers removed Connor from the dance and he missed out on the wildest party to ever hit the LWHS cafeteria. Also in 8th grade, Connor missed a sick jam session on the way to the movies with a random stranger singing some Zac Brown Band. But it didn't get really bad until Connor was in high school. He missed Trent's block at Deland-Weldon that literally caused a 4.2 earthquake on the Richter Scale (Connor felt it at home). Connor then missed the time we all went to see Jackson play football and literally puke in the middle of the game on the field. He missed the open gym when Carson invented the play 25 BOL, caught a lob from Whitey, and dunked on 5 people at the same time. He even missed Whitey's first kiss, with Carson, Trent, and Jacob in the background cheering him on! It is scary to think that the Curse of Connor Courting Chicks could be passed on, but I've been able to be like T-Swift and shake it off since I'm usually a part of the fun times Connor misses. Hopefully Connor is able to shake off this terrible curse and pass it on to someone from Midland or Roanoke.

Jake Rebman Did It

Well, first of all, let's clear one thing up. This was no accident...Jacob Elliot Rebman tried to murder me. That "rampaging chicken?" That was just Jake and his beanstalk chasing after me. After guarding 7 foot centers all year, Jake became extremely swole and was able to throw couches at me with one hand and bananas at me with the other. Thank God Evan Johnson was nearby with his Mario Kart skills and extensive Friends knowledge. He was able to deflect all of the bananas and banana peels back at Jake, and he was able to PIVOT enough to catch the couch as it flew at me. The couch hit me hard enough to knock me out, but thankfully it didn't kill me. Now, on to my panel of experts who Evan immediately called to my aid. They all arrived in 3.14 seconds, and one of them began by introducing himself and the rest of the panel. He said, "Mr. Fahs, my name is Jacob 'Barney Stinson' Hausmann, and I am the president and Playbook expert of your Amnesia Recovery Panel, co-captain of your high school basketball team, Senior #3, and not the Jacob who tried to kill you. Let me introduce you to the rest of your recovery panel." Hausmann then proceeded to introduce four more strangers to me: "First, this is Mr. Bryce Welsh, your inappropriate joke expert," he said as I shook hands with the ugliest dude I had ever seen who had an obnoxious grin on his face. "Next, this is Ms. Madison 'Bow an' Darrow, your sports expert," said Hausmann as I said hello to the most Fahsitive person I had ever met. Then Hausmann said, "This is Dr. Jason Henry, your world catastrophe preparedness expert," as I saluted someone who looked as if they'd be the best U.S. president ever. "Finally, this is Ms. Taylor Hofstatter, your math & science expert," Hausmann said as I saw Ms. Hofstatter's face light up with excitement just at the mention of math & science. I told the panel how thankful I was for them, and asked them to explain who the Fahs I was. Hausmann started by telling me I was the most studly man to ever walk the face of Earth and that I had written him a "playbook" of ways to get dates with the most amazing women in the universe. He said my go to "play" was to simply ask a woman, "How you doin'?!" Next, Mr. Welsh told me I taught math and science to roughly 60 teenagers who think about nothing but inappropriate jokes and references 24/7. He then proceeded take only 5 minutes to explain the top 1,234,567,890 inappropriate jokes my students were likely to make. I couldn't decide if I was embarrassed, ashamed, or shocked at his extensive knowledge of this topic. As he finished, a Darrow hit him in the head and killed him, and I heard Ms. Darrow say, "Alright, punk, I have a hard-knock life I need to get back to, and I can't wait any longer for my turn." She told me my sports life was simple. "Even though you've retired from playing sports to coach, you're the most athletic person in every sport you choose to compete in," she said. She then told me all about how I rain down 3's all day over Evan Johnson, outrun Jessica Garber while running backwards, hit softballs farther than Ashli McMurtrey while both batting left-handed, and truck Evan Grice's attempted tackles like I'm playing Madden. I didn't really know what any of this meant, but it sounded like I was more athletic than anyone except Madison Darrow herself. Next, Dr. Jason Henry, explained to me how I had strategically planned to live to the age of 1,000. He explained in crazy detail about how he had designed 9,876,543,210 fully-stocked and 100% protected nuclear war bunkers around the world. They were protected from a range of disasters, from Sydney Heston not laughing at a science pun, to Timothy becoming a world leader and bombing the entire world. It was amazing and really made me feel a lot better about the dangerous world I had awoken in. Finally, Taylor explained that since I taught math and science, I loved both subjects ALMOST as much as she did. Then she told me her 1,000,000 favorite math and science jokes, which I could barely understand since she was laughing so hard at herself the entire time. Mr. Hausmann thanked me for my time, wished me good luck, and said, "Oh yeah, one last thing. Someday you'll meet a fella named Rylan Warnkes. He's lame, only senior #4, and you should NEVER play rock-paper-scissors with him!" We all lived happily ever after, except Bryce obviously, since he was dead.

Week 17 - A Whole New World

Wait, so does this blog mean I volunteered my body while I was still alive? Is this because of the potential of a nuclear world war starting on January 20 and we're trying to preserve the human race? I'm just confused because I didn't think even Taylor Hofstatter, who loves science more than ANYONE, would just volunteer their body to science for fun. Anyway, for whatever reason I did it, my body was preserved and I woke up 1,000 years from now. The craziest part of the future, as I soon discover, is how many of this year's juniors are still alive! It's a good thing we did that zombie apocalypse survival unit when I had them as 8th graders! So, I woke up in the cryogenics department of my classroom (the mysterious maroon contraption in the corner by my desk), feeling more rested than I had since I was in kindergarten. I climbed out to see the smiling face of Dr. Jason Henry. He informed me that the world had been decimated for hundreds of years by a zombie virus released by the evil Timothy Lundell, but my original 8th grade class had nearly all survived thanks to Jason's quick distribution of his world famous book: "Double Tap: How To Survive Whatever Killer Virus Timothy Will Unleash in the Future." The only one to die from that class was Timothy himself, who was heroically assassinated by Madison's long range bow an Darrow from 50 miles away. I asked Jason who the current president was, and Jason laughed and told me Evan Johnson had taken over not just as president, but as king of the whole world. Jason snapped his fingers & a newspaper article came up on a hologram right in front of me, with the headline: "MIRACLE: After 1 day, new King of the World has entire human race treating each other nicely and with basic human decency!" Jason then informed me that King Johnson was expecting a phone call from me as soon as I woke up. He told me I had a cell phone chip installed in my ear & I just had to think "call Evan Johnson" to communicate with him. So, I called Evan, and he informed me he wanted me to be the new lead adviser in his next 100 year term as King. I of course had to accept this offer, and Evan told me he had paid Dr. Henry to actually turn me into the Wizard of Fahs, so I could apparate to his secret castle immediately. As soon as I arrived at what looked mysteriously like Bowser's castle from Super Mario and opened the door, I was greeted with a loud "Suprise!!!" On the wall hung a banner that read "Welcome, Wizard of Fahs, New Lead Adviser to King Johnson," and all of my favorite original 8th graders were there (except Timothy of course). I greeted them all happily and was excited to hear what had been happening in their lives for the past 1,000 years. Evan had 2 princesses, Princesses Rebman and Cook, helping him run the world. Princess Rebman informed me she still wouldn't be friends with me, and Princess Cook informed me she had 1,000 years worth of delicious DQ blizzards waiting in the freezer for me. Evan Grice was the secretary of Education, and he taught his famous curriculum, "Advice with Grice," to students of all ages that needed help with pickup lines for that special someone. Finally, Becca was at the party, but in a jail in the corner. King Johnson had locked her up 999 years ago for vicious comments and slander against Mr. Fahs and his fashion choices. Thank you King Johnson for making the world actually great again.

Week 14 - Senior Fight Club

One day recently, I was late getting to my 7th hour study hall because of an important phone call with my lovely wife, Carrie Underwood-Fahs. I walked in to find all of my students gone except for Bryce Welsh. Poor Bryce was crying in the corner because all of his classmates were gone and he didn't know where they disappeared to. Being the nice teacher I am, I said, "Bryce, quit pouting, get your crossbow and the ring of power, and let's go find them!" So, off we went on an adventure to find the rest of our study hall...even without eating our second lunch! We decided to check the gym first, but when we got there, we discovered the entire P.E. class was gone! However, a floorboard was loose, and it led to a trapdoor. I knew where that trapdoor had to lead. Gandalf was finally calling the Wizard of Fahs to Middle Earth to replace that stupid Saruman. So, we climbed down the ladder to find the one L-W student you'd expect to find in Middle Earth under the school...Evan Johnson. But Evan wasn't in Middle Earth! He was leading a discussion with Jessie, Hunter, Kassidy, Konnar, Julia, and Caylon in a secret classroom. Written on the chalkboard was the message "Secret Star Wars Haters Club," and Evan was in the middle of a passionate argument about how light sabers were so dumb they might as well be marshmallow campfire sticks. I looked around the room, happy to see my study hall students, until I realized Ashli, Sophia, Good Kelsey, and Bad Kelsie weren't there. Finally, I made eye contact with Evan, and he hung his head in shame that I had discovered his secret. He said, "Mr. Fahs, you were right all along about star wars....and the rest of your study hall is through that 2nd trapdoor in the corner." Bryce and I hurried through the 2nd trapdoor, straight into a UFC arena. We soon discovered that it was a Senior Fight Club to decide the current standings in Mr. Fahs' senior rankings. The final missing four students were all there! Sophia and Kelsie were of course in princess thrones above the octagon acting as judges for the club, and most of the senior class were laying around the octagon bloodied and bruised. The only two left standing were Jake Hausmann and Jessica Garber. I asked how they had beaten everyone so badly, and they said it was all due to the wicked juke moves I had taught them...except for with Rylan, it was easier to just beat him at euchre since he's so bad at it. I had never been so proud of any two students, but like any good coach, I had to remind them there was still work to do. Before I left to take my students back to study hall, I said, "Jacob...Jessica...great work, but you better keep training because the freshman are still on pace to beat you by 1,234,567,890 points in the class games."

Fahs: 4; Devlin: 1

Hey remember when Ms. Devlin said she would outblog me this year? Psh, child please. I know it's a week late, but I had to do this blog because we did thorns & roses at our weekly meetings for my CA (like an RA, but at Augustana we were COMMUNITY advisors unlike them weirdos at Wesleyan) job in college. So, here's all my thorns & roses for last week...get ready there's a lot of them: Thorn 1: Illinois Wesleyan "University"...seriously how is such an institution still in operation? I'm pretty sure Ms. Hudson just created it as a fake college like South Harmon Institute of Technology in the movie Accepted. Thorn 2: Taylor Sego....she said she wished Ms. Hudson & Ms. Devlin were junior class sponsors but NOT me!!! What a savage. I guess she earned herself a permanent spot at #3 in the Sego family rankings, but I don't think even that makes up for how much I cried after she said such a horrible thing. Thorn 3: Becca "BECC-UHH!" Jones. Have any of you met someone so mean?! All she does is make fun of me for wearing shorts or sweatpants instead of dress clothes at school when I have practice. If only she realized how much that makes me cry too. You'd think she wants to become another savage fashion expert for me like Kirsten. Thorn 4: Speaking of Kirsten....Kurstin Malleck is thorn #4. She stopped by my room once this week, and I was all like "Hi, Kirsten it's so great to see you," and she just calls me a loser. More crying from me. Throse (thorn & rose combined) 1: Princesses Cook & Rebman. I mean they've made my study hall great again, but they both were gone from it for a day this week...so of course I cried about that too. Rose 1: ALL the upperclassmen on our basketball team. How awesome are Evan & Jake? Definitely roses as we get ready for our Thanksgiving tourney. I mean they're such ballers, we might just play the whole tournament 2 on 5. Also, Jake Hausmann Night...2/17/17...be there. Rose 2: Thanksgiving lunch on Friday...I think the tryptophan is still affecting me as I type this. Also, seniors #1 & #2, Jess & Ashli, helped serve up all that delicious food. Rose 3: Taylor Hofstatter got a deer before her brother. So glad I get to give him grief about that now. Rose 4: Jason Henry's almost daily reminders of all the ways the world could end. He really keeps me well prepared. Rose 5: The fact that I went to Augustana and not Wesleyan. God, what a relief! Look forward to my 5th blog of the year soon, as I extend my lead over Devlin.

Honey, I'm HOME

Since I've done this blog before, I'll summarize my homes I've had quickly. LaMoille was basically a slightly farther north version of Washburn....so it was obviously pretty awesome...but that's where I grew up, spent 18 quality years, and still consider home. My second home was the Quad Cities & Augustana College, and now my weirdo little sister goes there too, so it's pretty cool, but 4 years there doesn't make it feel like home as much as LaMoille or Washburn. Well, I guess this is my 4th year living in Washburn, but it's so much like LaMoille that I definitely already consider it home. And a great home at that because of all the awesome students we have around here, especially all them juniors and seniors! You've got the country music fans, like Sophia with her love of any good ole Kenny and Shania songs and Garber with her top notch country parody writing ability. You've got the true ballers, like Uncle Evan & Uncle Jake that teach all the youngbloods how to drop dimes and get buckets. There are kids that accept their awesome, yet obnoxious, nicknames, like Hayley Seahorse Egner. You have the seniors that always top the family rankings, like McMurtrey #1 & Warnkes #1. Of course you have the hippest girl who is just good at everything even with 3 shattered ankles, such as Madison Mad-Baller bow-an-Darrow. And finally, you have the class clown that dresses like a clown even when everyone is deathly afraid of clowns, just like Konnar Keefer. So, yeah Washburn is home & it rules. Don't hate on it.