Week 14 - Senior Fight Club

One day recently, I was late getting to my 7th hour study hall because of an important phone call with my lovely wife, Carrie Underwood-Fahs. I walked in to find all of my students gone except for Bryce Welsh. Poor Bryce was crying in the corner because all of his classmates were gone and he didn't know where they disappeared to. Being the nice teacher I am, I said, "Bryce, quit pouting, get your crossbow and the ring of power, and let's go find them!" So, off we went on an adventure to find the rest of our study hall...even without eating our second lunch! We decided to check the gym first, but when we got there, we discovered the entire P.E. class was gone! However, a floorboard was loose, and it led to a trapdoor. I knew where that trapdoor had to lead. Gandalf was finally calling the Wizard of Fahs to Middle Earth to replace that stupid Saruman. So, we climbed down the ladder to find the one L-W student you'd expect to find in Middle Earth under the school...Evan Johnson. But Evan wasn't in Middle Earth! He was leading a discussion with Jessie, Hunter, Kassidy, Konnar, Julia, and Caylon in a secret classroom. Written on the chalkboard was the message "Secret Star Wars Haters Club," and Evan was in the middle of a passionate argument about how light sabers were so dumb they might as well be marshmallow campfire sticks. I looked around the room, happy to see my study hall students, until I realized Ashli, Sophia, Good Kelsey, and Bad Kelsie weren't there. Finally, I made eye contact with Evan, and he hung his head in shame that I had discovered his secret. He said, "Mr. Fahs, you were right all along about star wars....and the rest of your study hall is through that 2nd trapdoor in the corner." Bryce and I hurried through the 2nd trapdoor, straight into a UFC arena. We soon discovered that it was a Senior Fight Club to decide the current standings in Mr. Fahs' senior rankings. The final missing four students were all there! Sophia and Kelsie were of course in princess thrones above the octagon acting as judges for the club, and most of the senior class were laying around the octagon bloodied and bruised. The only two left standing were Jake Hausmann and Jessica Garber. I asked how they had beaten everyone so badly, and they said it was all due to the wicked juke moves I had taught them...except for with Rylan, it was easier to just beat him at euchre since he's so bad at it. I had never been so proud of any two students, but like any good coach, I had to remind them there was still work to do. Before I left to take my students back to study hall, I said, "Jacob...Jessica...great work, but you better keep training because the freshman are still on pace to beat you by 1,234,567,890 points in the class games."

Fahs: 4; Devlin: 1

Hey remember when Ms. Devlin said she would outblog me this year? Psh, child please. I know it's a week late, but I had to do this blog because we did thorns & roses at our weekly meetings for my CA (like an RA, but at Augustana we were COMMUNITY advisors unlike them weirdos at Wesleyan) job in college. So, here's all my thorns & roses for last week...get ready there's a lot of them: Thorn 1: Illinois Wesleyan "University"...seriously how is such an institution still in operation? I'm pretty sure Ms. Hudson just created it as a fake college like South Harmon Institute of Technology in the movie Accepted. Thorn 2: Taylor Sego....she said she wished Ms. Hudson & Ms. Devlin were junior class sponsors but NOT me!!! What a savage. I guess she earned herself a permanent spot at #3 in the Sego family rankings, but I don't think even that makes up for how much I cried after she said such a horrible thing. Thorn 3: Becca "BECC-UHH!" Jones. Have any of you met someone so mean?! All she does is make fun of me for wearing shorts or sweatpants instead of dress clothes at school when I have practice. If only she realized how much that makes me cry too. You'd think she wants to become another savage fashion expert for me like Kirsten. Thorn 4: Speaking of Kirsten....Kurstin Malleck is thorn #4. She stopped by my room once this week, and I was all like "Hi, Kirsten it's so great to see you," and she just calls me a loser. More crying from me. Throse (thorn & rose combined) 1: Princesses Cook & Rebman. I mean they've made my study hall great again, but they both were gone from it for a day this week...so of course I cried about that too. Rose 1: ALL the upperclassmen on our basketball team. How awesome are Evan & Jake? Definitely roses as we get ready for our Thanksgiving tourney. I mean they're such ballers, we might just play the whole tournament 2 on 5. Also, Jake Hausmann Night...2/17/17...be there. Rose 2: Thanksgiving lunch on Friday...I think the tryptophan is still affecting me as I type this. Also, seniors #1 & #2, Jess & Ashli, helped serve up all that delicious food. Rose 3: Taylor Hofstatter got a deer before her brother. So glad I get to give him grief about that now. Rose 4: Jason Henry's almost daily reminders of all the ways the world could end. He really keeps me well prepared. Rose 5: The fact that I went to Augustana and not Wesleyan. God, what a relief! Look forward to my 5th blog of the year soon, as I extend my lead over Devlin.

Honey, I'm HOME

Since I've done this blog before, I'll summarize my homes I've had quickly. LaMoille was basically a slightly farther north version of Washburn....so it was obviously pretty awesome...but that's where I grew up, spent 18 quality years, and still consider home. My second home was the Quad Cities & Augustana College, and now my weirdo little sister goes there too, so it's pretty cool, but 4 years there doesn't make it feel like home as much as LaMoille or Washburn. Well, I guess this is my 4th year living in Washburn, but it's so much like LaMoille that I definitely already consider it home. And a great home at that because of all the awesome students we have around here, especially all them juniors and seniors! You've got the country music fans, like Sophia with her love of any good ole Kenny and Shania songs and Garber with her top notch country parody writing ability. You've got the true ballers, like Uncle Evan & Uncle Jake that teach all the youngbloods how to drop dimes and get buckets. There are kids that accept their awesome, yet obnoxious, nicknames, like Hayley Seahorse Egner. You have the seniors that always top the family rankings, like McMurtrey #1 & Warnkes #1. Of course you have the hippest girl who is just good at everything even with 3 shattered ankles, such as Madison Mad-Baller bow-an-Darrow. And finally, you have the class clown that dresses like a clown even when everyone is deathly afraid of clowns, just like Konnar Keefer. So, yeah Washburn is home & it rules. Don't hate on it.

Juniors (and some seniors) as Adults......Scary Right?!

Well, as I'm a teacher, I guess I have to imagine I can go forward in time to see what my students will be like as adults. Let's start with a few of the juniors. Obviously we have to start with Princess Rebman and Princess Cook. Princess Rebman is going to graduate from college, and, after putting a few years in as a librarian's assistant, she will become head librarian at Lowpoint Library. From there, she will start her own library with ALL the books in the world (that she stole), just so she can shush all the 7+ billion people in the world when they come into her library. All I know, is I will definitely NOT be friends with her, as she will probably constantly yell at me for being too obnoxious in her biblioteca. Next, Princess Cook....she will probably own DQ right out of high school, when she's 22. She'll have all kinds of crazy rules for her employees. They'll have to pledge allegiance to Princess Cook before every shift, name every blizzard after Kelsie, count how many M&M's go into each blizzard, and who knows what other crazy things. Moving on to Hunter Thierer...he'll still be the same old punk he is now, probably working at some punk place, with a bunch of punks, doing all kinds of punk things. Jessica Widner will probably grow up to be a pediatric nurse at Harvard or some huge hospital. She'll be rich and successful and famous and all, but she is going to be EXTREMELY mean to the kids at her hospital. By that time, the U.S. will probably have an annual Purge or Hunger Games or both, so she'll whip them into shape by throwing knives at them as part of their rehab and putting Purge masks on and scaring them as they wake up from surgery. Ok, so this is getting to be the longest blog ever, so I'll speed it up. Madison will become the first woman to play in the NBA and break all of Steph Curry's 3 point records in her rookie year. #treyz4dayz Kirsten will legally change her name to Kurrstenn Malleck, become a mad scientist that makes science videos for students like Bill Nye, and challenge Mr. Fahs at basketball every day and lose every time even when he's 150 years old. Now to the seniors. Ashli McMurtrey as an "adult" will get paid to nap for scientist Kirsten to study the brain while we're sleeping. Rylan Warnkes will spend his whole life trying to become Warnkes #1...he'll be a president, win more Olympic golds than Michael Phelps, and cure cancer, but sadly still be Warnkes #2. Garber will rob 30 dingers a year for the U.S. softball team. Finally, Jacob Hausmann will achieve his life's ambition of getting Jacob Hausmann Day recognized as a national holiday. #jakehausmannnight #February2017 #bethere #jakebedroppingdimes #andfortypoints

Junior Class Princesses

Wazzzzzzzzzzzzzup junior class? Remember the "wazzzzzzzup" commercials from the early 2000s? Oh, you guys were like toddlers then? My bad. Since I blogged with last year's seniors for 3 years, & my next class to sponsor doesn't have Hudson yet, I suppose I can blog with you guys for my annual 3 or 4 blogs this year. It's a huge honor, so consider yourselves lucky. Check out my past 3 years' blog posts for proof. Or if you don't believe me, just watch. I decided to blog with your class because I'm already starting to cry my eyes out that my baby 8th graders from my first year are all growing up, driving (how did some of you get your licenses? *coughJASONHENRYcough*), and only have 2 years of high school left. Remember when we hashtagged everything for months on end 3 years ago and made the rest of the school mad? #memories #insertcryingemojihere Alright, so this week 1 blog. I'm already behind on these, and I probably won't blog again until October. I am so glad to be back to school. I mean, I'm just like Hofstatter #1 and need school to get a full dose of math and science in my life. Without it, my life basically starts crumbling. All of my classes I teach are awesome and full of great kids, EXCEPT my 7th hour study hall! What a challenge that group is. But what do you expect with Jessie, Kelsie, & Sophia all in there?! Talk about the biggest thugs in Washburn. I was going to do this blog last week when Kelsie and Sophia were in the computer lab blogging themselves, but OF COURSE Jessie started playing "The Floor is Lava" and climbing all over the desks in my room! If you think Jessie is bad, just wait until I tell you about Princess Cook & Princess Rebman. EVERY DAY, they complain about 90 times before the bell even rings to start 7th hour. Now, just because I am a rich teacher, they are DEMANDING to be treated like princesses every day. They make poor Ashli fan them, feed them grapes, and carry them on a throne anywhere they need to go. They make Bryce sing and dance for them. They bully poor Nagini about how she doesn't have legs and the weird gap in her tongue, so much so she just pouts under her tree all day. And worst of all, they made me order tiaras, glass boot slippers, thousand dollar gowns, and oompa loompa servants for them! Ugh! My special goal for this year is simply to save enough money after that to just pay my rent and buy food. I am looking forward to all my other classes though, especially basketballology 103, which I hope Evan squared and Konnar all return for. I also am excited to be returning to school myself to take Fashion 102. Hopefully Miss Malec isn't as mean as she was 3 years ago, but I think that was enough time for all the emotional scars to heal. Hope you all have a great junior year! P.O. for now, Fahs

Fields of Dreams

There are a lot of great toys & games out there....I mean who doesn't find it EZ to enjoy some target practice with your trusted bow an Darrow? And who didn't enjoy shooting cute, fluffy little bunny rabbits with their brand new BB gun? Oh wait, that last one was just Miranda? My bad. Anyway, I loved my good ole N64 (NFL Blitz may be the best sports video game ever), Hot Wheels cars, & Legos as much as the next kid, but my favorite "toy" growing up was simply a baseball and a glove. Just the other day, I tagged my best friend from high school in a post about how the best baseball fields are made up in your backyard & usually have ghost runners on second base. Whether it was just playing catch or an actual game, there wasn't much better as a kid than playing some baseball. My glove and I were even more inseparable than Gwen & her precious Gollum.

Gwen & Gollum 4evaaaaaa

Gwen and Gollum are destined to be together. I just knowwww it. Look at this picture of Gollum looking for his precious Gwen on Valentine's day. I'm going to shoot my Cupid bow an darrows at them until they find out how EZ it is to fall in love with each other, I swear of it. They've known each other since that day a couple years ago when Gwen stumbled into Gollum's cave and all the wizards, elves, and hobbits knew they were perfect for each other. I feel the awkward blushes of Gwen every time Gollum calls her "his precious." I took a survey of the whole school, and 60% of the time the student population said Gwen and Gollum were a perfect couple every time. I will sleep, eat a lot, and go buy an Xbox just to be like Gwen, & I'll STILL make them live happily ever after. Hopefully Miranda doesn't get in the way....I hear she has a thing for Gollum too!